I usually pride myself on being a pretty positive person. Sometimes I am amazed that others think I am as positive as they do, my mind always tells me that I am more of a "realist" than I pretend. Once in a great while; however, I find myself in one of those "why me?" sort of moods...and recently---I must say that I have been in that mode A LOT!
Just the other day, I began to lament my love life (or the lack thereof!). I am moving in August, so not having someone to come home to has hit me kinda hard. I miss being SO excited to come home and share the news of a really great day OR coming home to cry on someones shoulder. ***I KNOW I always have family, but sometimes, you need MORE***. That always brings up the nasty "d" (divorce, btw) word and my personal resentment I still feel towards those involved in that process (myself included). What if I had been more observant, what if I had seen the signs? You know...the "could'a, would'a" routine.
I also start to think of the fact that I can not have children. I have known this since I was 11. It is not like I haven't had TIME to digest this fact. It just seems to get worse with age. I am not necessarily hearing that biological clock pound in my ears, but I am starting to think about my older years. I wonder: who is going to be there to take care of me? Who will visit me? Who am going to pass my wisdom on to? You know....who is my prosterity?
It is when I need to turn to my faith and realize how incredibly lucky I truly am. The love life thing: Who the hell wants a chick who is needy and desperate?! I sure as hell wouldn't! So I need to relax and realize, "Kim, you're just fine without a man in your life!". Someone will come along when they are meant to, when I am ready. The divorce thing: it boils down to this simple sentence, "Life sucks sometimes, get a damn helmet!" :0) In less harsh terms, much worse happen to others and they seem to get on JUST FINE! Some don't have homes to live in, some don't have much time left on this earth---so what the hell am I doing lamenting a relationship that obviously was one-sided.
Lastly, there are plenty of students who walk the halls of my school (and schools I have taught at before) that have PLENTY of my knowledge. They know things they didn't before they came into my classroom---what more of a "prosterity" can a human want? Then there are my nieces and nephews. I don't think this "Auntie" has to worry that there will never be any visitors or people to take care of me in my old age <3.
I am a truly blessed human being. We all are. If we look at biology--it was absolutely amazing that any of us made it here at all anyway! That moment we were created was not a given....it was a gift. Wasting precious time whining about an imperfect life doesn't really seem do that justice in my humble thinking.